my 1 hour and 45 minute adventure as an uber driver

During an adventure to Barbie Convention, (and yes, there is indeed such a thing – it’s lovely!) I grabbed my first Uber ride. My flight was delayed and it was around 2am before I arrived in Jacksonville, Florida. I clicked a button and a few minutes later – magic. A man pulled up & took me to the hotel.

I rode Uber back to the airport from Florida and have used it several times around town when I wasn’t able to drive myself. Like going into Uptown Dallas for my tattoo removal session – talk about easy! She dropped me off right outside the door & I waltzed in, lasered, and waltzed out.

And if you know me, you are currently picturing me waltzing in and out of the doctor’s office like a warped Disney princess. Your visual would be correct. I enjoy a good waltz walking and partake frequently.

During my Uber rides, I started hearing the “rumors”.

“I made $500 today from 12-4pm!”
“I’ve made $800 a week!”

And, as previously stated, I’m a gold digger. I want that gold. I’ve been debating opening a blog about nothing, so I figured, “Self, try Uber and do a blog about it.”

I pictured waltzing (oh yeah!) on to this blog bragging about my debts being paid completely off. I figured everyone would ooh & ahhh over my earnings, then immediately sign up with me which would make me millions as they made millions driving Uber.

We would all retire from tie wearing office jobs and drive the masses around while laughing ourselves silly swimming in all the hundred dollar bills flying in from our rides.

It took 24 hours for me to be an approved Uber driver, but I got scared, “What if someone kills me?!”

My dad flooded me in articles about women being raped, killed, and maimed driving Uber.

Oh and did I mention I absolutely HATE driving? I. HATE. DRIVING.

I will literally beg people to let me catch a ride with them, but I’m gonna be rich! I will hate driving less when I’m rich!

So I decided to do “UberEats”. It’s their new food delivery app that sends ya to the restaurant to pick up the order and ya drop it at someone’s home. Easy peasy. MILLIONS OF UBER DOLLARS HERE I COME.

My official, “I’m gonna do this” was Thursday. I was so nervous I didn’t sleep well the night before, so luckily I was able to take the day off to make sure I sat around stressing and worrying myself to death before my chosen 3pm start time.

3pm rolls around…go time. I did my hair all professional. I put on a black jacket. And I waltzed out the door with the birdies chirping lovely encouraging notes my way.

How do you say, “I’m ready for you, Uberverse!”? You click the button that says, “Offline” & you go “Online”. I did it. I shivered in excitement as I turned on the Backstreet Boys. Hey, don’t judge – nothing will get ya pumped up & read to Uber like “Everybody”.

I figured I would pick up a tea for myself, so I would remain hydrated during my adventures. So I’m singing, “Everrrrryyyy-boddddy…rock your boodddddyyy” when I hear it! AN ALARM. DING DING IT.

I look @ my phone – it’s dinging! I have a delivery! I’m all excited & click “accept”. It says I have to go the opposite direction down the street I am, so I u-turn in an illegal manner quickly so maybe no one notices…OFF WE GO.

As I’m driving down the street, I realize my thingie says I’m picking up “John” – not his real name to protect his identity from all you creepers creeping on me creeping on Uber or whatever.

I pull over and realize that it’s NOT a delivery, it’s a ride. I know where the guy lives, & I have millions in my eyes, so I check my pepper spray is in the cup holder and off I go.

John is outside waiting for me smoking a cigarette. I cringe thinking he’s going to make my car stink, but MILLIONS. I can afford to douse the car in oils later with my millions driving Sir John Smokes a Lot around town.

He hops in and introduces himself. I introduce myself. I ask where we’re going and he tells me I shall be ubering him to work. He works security at a building in a neighboring city named Allen. You people may have heard of Allen – million dollar high school football stadium anyone? That’s Allen, Texas.

On the drive, we small chat about life. He likes Donald Trump, so I immediately think I should guard my private bits in case he’s sporting some tic tacs. Ha! I kid, I kid. Or do I?

*eyes pepper spray*
It’s a 7 minute ride chatting about security and I ask if he’s ever tasered everyone. He said he had not, but I joked, “Ya wish ya could? I wish I could taser some of my guys sometimes.” He informed me I am a “funny lady” and I hear the “CHA-CHING” of dollar signs as I cruise in front of the building to drop him off.

John tells me I’ve ruined Uber for him, cause I’m the “cutest thing he’s ever seen”. I laugh and thank him, then offer him a chocolate or a peppermint. I planned on offering them to my deliveries, but alas…I was driving. Why not? He took a chocolate and told me it had been awhile since a pretty lady had given him chocolates. I laughed like he was the funniest guy in the universe & are you ready?

HE TIPPED ME. He gave me 5 whole dollars. CHAAAAA-CHING.

I call my husband,  cause I promised to keep him updated. He is amused I earned a tip, cause he didn’t earn a tip in his whole 2 hours of driving. Oh, did I not mention he did it too? We’re super competitive.  It’s horrible.

My phone started flashing, BING BING BING. I think, “Do I wanna do this again? HELL YES!” I click “ACCEPT” & off we go to pick up…I can’t think of a name. Let’s call her Jessica, cause I have a strange obsession with Jessica Rabbit.

Jessica is apparently having a “self date”. Please hold the dirty comments, but Jessica informs me she has the day off and she’s riding around to different places drinking. She also lets me know that she has to Uber since she has 3 DUI. I made a wrong turn, but she doesn’t seem to care and tells me how nice my car is as I pull into the parking lot for her drop. She tells me if I wanna stick around the area, she should be done drinking in an hour and I can Uber her home. No tip as she got out and I squealed tires vacating the area before she called me back.

Not 1 minute later…DING DING DING. Or should we say, “CHA-CHING CHA-CHING CHA-CHING”?!

I pick up Harriet next. Poor Harriet, if she ever reads this blog, “That bitch called me Harriet?!” Don’t tip my husband Brady if he’s ever your driver, cause I said, “Gimme a name.” And that’s what he said. Harriet. What a weirdo.

Harriet is going to work at Walmart. She speaks in broken English which means she’s already better than me since she speaks English and Spanish while I drive around chasing a dollar via Uber rather than learning another language.

She was super nice and said that she’d never seen me in Walmart. I told her we’ve been in the area for years, I usually get my groceries from Walmart. She tells me I have to say hi if I see her and I agree. The housing market in Plano is going insane with all of these new companies coming in, so we agreed that living in Allen is better than Plano since they have the billion dollar high school stadium. She doesn’t tip either, but I don’t mind since it was a wonderful conversation.

I pull across the parking lot to call Mr. Harriet Himself to let him know I’m still alive when my phone dings, “DRIVERS NEEDED IN ALLEN” along with a request from..are you guys ready? I’m about to tie it all together.

ALLEN HIGH SCHOOL WITH THE TRILLION DOLLAR STADIUM.

I didn’t factor traffic into my drive to Allen High, so I’m kinda irritated at myself as I am delayed 20-30 minutes. I figure Uber will compensate me for my miles, so I finally arrive to pick up, “Gertrude”. Really, husband? That was him again, “Gertie”, he giggled, “she has to go by her nickname, baby…Gertie”.

I’m creeping outside the front of Allen High waiting on Gertie a couple minutes. Once again I assumed (And you know what they say about that…)  I would get some kinda wait fee or something. I wait 5 minutes and quietly thank God that I’m not in high school cause boys are wearing skinny jeans. Like what the hell? Those poor girls.

Gertie hasn’t arrived, so I use the contact feature and apparently, I get Gertie’s mom. She’s not the least big amused I have to wait for Gertie, so she says all mad, “I’mma call that girl and get her..I’m sorry!” I tell her it’s okay and a few seconds later, a young girl on a cell phone looking amused gets into my car.

“Gertie?”, I ask and she says, “yes, I’m sorry I’m behind.” I said it was perfectly fine and told her I hoped she didn’t get into too much trouble. She said all sad that her mom is always nagging her, so she was used to it. I felt horrible for her, so I changed the subject to her schooling.

She wants to be a professional chef and I’m super impressed. She said she’s 16 and I tell her how amazing she is for knowing what she wants in life. She was late getting home, cause she was in a cooking class. I asked her if she was from TX and she said they were from NYC, but transferred to Allen High since it’s the best in the nation.

I asked her if she likes Texas and she says not really, that people aren’t that nice. As a kid that was major picked on in school, my heart breaks for her immediately. I told her they won’t matter in the grand scheme when she’s on the Food Network with her own line of pots/pans. She got a kick outta that and thanked me.

Outta no where, she said that the guy she likes at school ignores her. God, this girl hit my heart so hard. I am a firm believer that sometimes we are put in a spot to help someone else that needs it and I thought to myself, “This girl needs to hear she’s good enough.”

So whatta I do? I decide to use my own experience. I said, “You may think he ignores you, but he notices.” She sat quiet, then said, “Ya think so?” I said, “Trust me. I had a guy I was all into like 10 years ago. I mean, totally stupid crazy over this guy. I always figured he wasn’t into me, cause I wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough. I mean, how could a guy like *that* want *me*?” She told me I was really pretty and I thanked her, but said, “It’s been 10 years & yanno what happened?”

She asked what and I told her, “He stalked me down! He came after me! 10 years later! Isn’t that crazy? It’s been 10 years and he told me I was pretty enough. I was smart enough. He was just too chicken to go for me, cause *he* thought *he* wasn’t good enough. Your guy prob thinks you’re not into a guy like him. You’ve got it together.” She sat quiet again, then said, “You think I have it together?”

I told her she was a beautiful girl that knew what she wanted out of life. She’s working extra credit after hours to make herself even better, so that’s gonna be hard for some guys. I told her that eventually the right guy would have the confidence and that’s how she would know he’s right. I told her to kick butt at her schooling and God will provide.

She looked like she may cry, so I saw a kid on a bike. I said, “Hey, is this kid mean to you?” She said, “Which 1?” I said, “This kid right here on the bike..cause I’ll ‘accidentally’ hit him if you want me to.” She laughed so hard she choked on her water. I said, “No, seriously….should I run him over?” She laughed even more, “No, I don’t know him.”

I pulled up in front of her house and told her something I was once told, “Don’t worry about boys, let the boys worry about you.” I told her she was beautiful and intelligent, so some guys find that intimidating. I told her she had too much to accomplish to get stuck with some guy in Allen, TX. She smiled and agreed, then thanked me. I offered her a chocolate and she took it, then thanked me again.

As I waited for her to make inside her house, no way was I driving off before I saw her go inside, I checked my “earnings”.

I couldn’t help it – I started laughing. I was “online” with Uber for 1 hour and 45 minutes, driving almost the full time, and this was my final –

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$13.61 plus my single $5 tip. For 32 miles of driving as well as 2 hours on the road.

Was it worth it? Financially, no. I wouldn’t really recommend it. I could have had a “bad” run, but for me..I hate driving. I think I hate driving more after all the miles, but I think about that girl and know it wasn’t all bad.

The people are what makes Uber “cool” and “fun” for those that drive. I can see impacting people in a positive way doing this job which is amazing, it’s a beautiful thing, but me….one more story before I wrap it up.

As I drove back to Plano from Allen (And that drive time wasn’t counted into my drive time above or paid for in anyway), I was so happy that I met the people I did during my little Uber adventure. I figured $18 wasn’t all that bad and the experience alone was worth it.

I’m daydreaming, then come to just in time to see Squirrely McSquirrel dart across the road. I almost hit him! I swerved into the curb to avoid hitting him and knocked myself, & my car, completely silly.

Longest Uber driving story ever, but the moral of the story?

I should have hit that kid on the bike to make her laugh.